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Tuesday, September 30, 2003 ( 9/30/2003 09:28:00 AM ) elle's 
i would like to sleep the day away, and own something that wouldn't die out on me. a neu brand of insanity Monday, September 29, 2003 ( 9/29/2003 08:52:00 AM ) elle's i fell in love with the prose today, that i could feel, but couldnt word, the light shattering on your scales and teeth. and he will sing that song to me, in that cool, crazy, gentle voice. he will say nothing, nothing at all, my always-shining star. we will shoot the colour out of the sky, and colour our senses with the blues and greys. you were spurned and tangled in my sky, like my namesake, for some reason always the colour before midnight. do you recall that poem you wrote for me, a long time ago? the four lined one, the ten-minute one. some times i feel like im a small little girl in a pink frock, picking at worn off friendship bands on my wrists. and that you do the things you do for policy, to amuse me, that i amuse you, while you remind me to watch friends in that after-thought kind of way, or send me songs i love, or tell me things that a girl shouldnt have to know. you are but that kind of subtle sweetnes, if you never needed me before, you'd fade to shadow just like the rest just like the rest. this light won't keep you. a neu brand of insanity Sunday, September 28, 2003 ( 9/28/2003 10:25:00 AM ) elle's my beautiful subway angel, that i cant find a place for. i am thinking about weicong and his brother's songs. i'd kill for a library of that kind of genre. jy rocketh :) things that work for me while studying -placebo -coffee cafes -you in the back of my mind -my nike jacket -messaging random silly people every now and then. people like ian and team-mates. -walks every few hours -3-buck mint tea -thinking about eating chocolate eclairs -walk on by -hyphens, and Not Sponging -extra chairs aside from baker's inn, which was really good, so much so that i wouldnt even call it overpriced. (we'd dream of honest people, and think it were so much better over here. we'd never ever get close enough to see it for what it's worth, the hypocriscy and the soft selfishness. ) but they all hypocrites, on this side, you and me. we've already overtaken you, when it comes to that blitz of decadence. a neu brand of insanity Saturday, September 27, 2003 ( 9/27/2003 10:16:00 AM ) elle's coz nothing lasts forever, even cold november rain. a neu brand of insanity ( 9/27/2003 10:10:00 AM ) elle's  You're Most Like The Season Winter ... You're often depicted as the cold, distant season. But you're incredibly intelligent, mature and Independant. You have an air of power around you - and that can sometimes scare people off. You're complex, and get hurt easily - so you rarely let people in if you can help it. You can be somewhat of a loner, but just as easily you could be the leader of many. You Tend to be negative, and hard to relate to, but you give off a relaxed image despite being insecure - and secretly many people long to be like you, not knowing how deep the Winter season really is. Well done... You're the most inspirational of seasons :) ?? Which Season Are You ?? brought to you by Quizilla well done? drop dead. and i wonder whether gail really means it when she says she thinks im good enough, that's a scary thought you know, when all i feel is my own incompetence. so many things to regret, so many things made irrelevant, sam's german trip. i'd like to know what i have to stop being afraid of anymore. placebo, today, pure morning. and our bags are all still trapped in the esplanade library. and where's he right now, when i feel like screaming frustrated incorporated and its shitsticks that i cant even scream properly because my voice is so airy. my favourite three notes on the piano, the introduction to never grow old, my badly wanting a gunsnroses compilation. i missed you. did you know that? i dont own you, so i just hope you're happy. i dont wish for you anymore. you come and talk to me every time you dont know you're upset, did you know that? you do things to distract yourself like playing these stupid games, and you're never like that when you're not calling me up at three am to ask me stupid questions. just like how cong understands me when im like that, but he cant take it, working on a subtle vessel. i wanted to fly away again today. a neu brand of insanity Friday, September 26, 2003 ( 9/26/2003 11:11:00 AM ) elle's she says we will hitch a ride to timbucktoo, together. to find some existence where we can be what we were best, maybe we'd smoke pot all day and not be ashamed. she can scratch her sheet music onto animal skins, and i will try to put them to lyrical words. she says something about the underdogs, and how that's what we'll always be proud to be, fuck the free world. she'll invent psychadelia again, there'll be a civilization there already since people are always referring to timbucktoo anyway. the popular choice are those funky caves, i suppose, so we'd sleep on trees at night, just coz we couldnt afford the rent. we wouldnt be stuck in a rut anymore, we'd be somewhere free and anarchist. the strangers are the only ones who make sense, some times. a neu brand of insanity ( 9/26/2003 10:54:00 AM ) elle's four things that got to me today -wishing it were like before, then kicking that thought in the ass, just because. i dont own you, or even my memories, and im not allowed to give that kind of shit anymore. -playing six variations of foolish games with different fragments of chords, hating this broken-up sentiment, though it cleared after a while and i could see straight again. i felt like asking her if she's only beautiful when she'd upset. -realizing today that you never believed me then when i told you it was a game to them. it was, it is, they play it still. and if everyone was as nice as you have faith in them to be, the world would be such a beautiful place, you know? or maybe it's just me, walking around in my father's genes, unlucky enough to get the scum of the earth, just because i could relate. -gab blowing up for me for a careless what would you call it anyway? a dig? trying to be as bloody diplomatic as i can though pissed now with the day i had and i'll admit that i do what you say to some people, but i sure as heck try not to and i sure as heck dont do it to you and i realllllly hope you're not gonna take this personally. i contradict myself between seconds and i know that, i know you wont imagine what its like but dont take whatever it is so emotional personally will you. without any malice and since you hate it when people talk behind your back i TELL you that i HAVE to be diplomatic because people always take offence to these things when their pride's been hurt or whatever, dont read me that way, touchy or whatever dont blow my guts out this time for my honesty. whether you perceived it so or not i dont have anything against you, and i'd like to keep it that way, i dont see a point in fighting this system. and damn everything i do is with a slant, i write here what i write to myself, it's shitted enough trying to figure myself out without you reading into me like a stained-glass window. i am never in my waking hours what i write here, i do things for my own reasons, i build my own castles and i actually live in them, i mean and believe the shit i say. i mean what i do by screwed up, by calling myself a bitch, by the realization that something is bloody wrong with me, in all sincerity good for you for being you but i cant be like you. so dont mind me and dont believe, because i'd like to unscrew myself up in my own time in my own style. a neu brand of insanity Thursday, September 25, 2003 ( 9/25/2003 08:19:00 AM ) elle's ma is sweet, just so awful sweet. and you can tell she likes being that way, she's just such a mild caring person, the mother that tries to freeze jelly for me so i can bring it to school just because i gave it a second glance the day before. it's so funny, really, and it makes me giggle while trying to work that darn washing machine. even though i had to throw away the said jelly, coz it was literal frozen solid and not in the least bit edible any-more. and ma i hope i inherited your simple sweetnes, your ability to derive this un-branded happiness from these small things of your day. you're really such an easy person to get along with. a neu brand of insanity Wednesday, September 24, 2003 ( 9/24/2003 08:59:00 AM ) elle's (you oughta know that its the same with you) the security guard who sits by the gate every time im rummaging around in my locker for shoes said hi to me today. it put me into one of those lets-go-hug-the-world moods, and i smiled at everyone i passed by when i was running. sarah smith asked me if my family was dysfunctional today, and i thought about what khin once said about her being a chameleon. and i believe there's more to people like this, when you take away the noise and distractions that at the end of the day dont mean a thing. bout the said dysfunctional, my family isnt, and i love them in a quiet way. there was a time where i abhorred the typicality of things healthy, and i hurled myself headfirst into a world that broke all my bones, and the strangest thing is how now i dont even fully regret all that. if i were too comfortable, too enclosed, too sheltered, i might melt under the first rays of the sun. it's like what gab once said unmetaphorically, about how the dirtier the water you're used to, the stronger your body is. and i was never concerned with healthy or correct, then, it was the attraction i found in all things decadent, how tough and strong the spirits i encountered, the rawness of that world that is hard to imagine any more. and i've always been obsessed with beauty, just for the record, whether i'll admit it or not. he told me today that he cant imagine that i cry. because of what i did to what's-his-face, how i didnt flinch, how i didnt care. i dont know how to tell you that i dont care about these things, that im weary of little boys as of a long time ago, i just dont play your games anymore. but you know, there are bigger and bleaker things to cry about, anyway. and i've missed marian, too. a neu brand of insanity Tuesday, September 23, 2003 ( 9/23/2003 09:55:00 AM ) elle's i captured a day in a bottle, capped its top so it wouldnt float away. it was tangy and sweet, like an orange slice dipped in artificial sugar. trailing its cool warmth, it flitted the edges of its glossy universe, a spray of the breeze, leaving gold shimmer. it danced around a ring of enchanted mushrooms unabashed, caught in discovery of beauty once mythical, they were chidren lost in a magical wood. it seeped their innocence into the night-air breath, where it caught the to cool fire and was felt for far and wide. villagers and olden folk would hear the song from far off, and dream of stories to tell, of faries who lived just over the hills. (this was a day i'd have liked to keep close, in a locket around my neck.) a neu brand of insanity Monday, September 22, 2003 ( 9/22/2003 08:39:00 AM ) elle's things i would like to do -cycle 5k in the rain -the subtlety -sit in a familiar old playground -spend a rainy day at home with a book -spend an entire day at an art museum -spend another at amatuer art galleries -watch a specific couple of musicals -lose myself to something beautiful -backpack around europe with someone who can appreciate it the way i do. -watch a specific couple of musicals -lose myself to a sound -lose to him at chess, again. -find my faith, again? not calling out to empty walls -talk to people who are intelligently politically not-so-correct. -wallpaper my room with pieces of skin. and lip-shade when i tell someone new about my url, i clear my mind, take on yours, and read my own blog from what i imagine would be your feel. i never know what i'd think, if i were you. sometimes i wonder who the hell reads this, arent you just scared off by the length? michelle fong showed me a video that made me cry. and my eyes and cheeks sting, and i think it makes me think, about hurting, and what its always been. a neu brand of insanity ( 9/22/2003 07:20:00 AM ) elle's let us take scores, about who's a better person. let us throw tantrums and heck-all the people who care. let us threaten each other with physical violence, and not feel sorry about the hurt we inflict, with the merest of intent ( bruises i can take ) let us take our honesty, and shove it down each other's throats. as truth, as goespel, as the final hour of judgement day. we're such a fine fucking family. a neu brand of insanity Sunday, September 21, 2003 ( 9/21/2003 09:59:00 AM ) elle's in passages like these, i realize i am just like you. i can change, chaemeleon style, for short periods of time. i dont have to like it a single bit. just coz i am drawn to that sort of feel, where things are broken but hardened, where people are strong and weakness is not forgiven, where Nothing Really Matters, just survival, just oxygen, just dragging and beer. i'd be okay with being fake then, coz that's just not fake, that's just survival, that's as low as it gets and we do what we can for a few seconds of escape. and such an irony too, wanting to escape from here, to go to that Wherever, to fade into that brittle concrete and dream of how its like to be right here. lets fly off together, and not be sentimental. a neu brand of insanity Saturday, September 20, 2003 ( 9/20/2003 11:04:00 AM ) elle's and my best friends are strangers who hide behind screens. the only thing that lets me know you're there is a sort of silhouette, movement faint, dust particles. and there are few, the few of you, who are so so beautiful, powerdered milk, unabashed. i have absolutely nothing to hide from you, and you from me, and you have no idea how good that makes me feel. i would like more strangers to talk to. people with their feet on the ground, but their whole body too, why unecessarily fight the system, do you care enough? quiet people or ones who dont care, on this side of the ocean, not like You. You just suck, right now, sorry to be a bitch about this. i dont even mean that personally, do you believe me? i dont feel the need to explain anything to you anymore. silent to the dark and tepid, again, this is a style i want, this is an existence im after, this is the only kind of oxygen that my body doesnt have any issues with. i hate the world and i always have, i wont fight against it, but i dont have to like it, i remember telling you that once, maybe more than once. you never understood that i believed every word of what i said. and people change, viewpoints and perceptions shift, it's evolution, i have no energy to put something up for you now. i like the people like them, they just dont care so much, so upset, pretending not to care about being alone. i want to sprawl on a couch with you talking about un-nothing's, eat ice cream with you at a street vendor, Just Not Care, about all those things that other people busy themselves with, We Care About Some Things Else. you're beautiful, and i forgive you; because i've never thought it possible to be that beautiful. small cost it pays to be alone, you can do anything you want, it doesnt matter. you sound tired, at this, at the world, like me. would it hurt to prop up a chair beside you? four dollar spagetti with cream, caesar salad and a slap in the face. a neu brand of insanity Friday, September 19, 2003 ( 9/19/2003 09:53:00 AM ) elle's mug. drink, drag a few, i know im stressed when i start doing things like this. oh, and eating like its going extinct. all this intertwined with mugging, like swigging in my room over chinese assessment books, stocking up food in class so that i can stay up during recess and mug some more. talk about the ironically braindead, study like its going out of style. toilet break in between mugsessions, to sneak away to a windy place and drag. i should stop carrying them around, really, i should eat chicken mayo sandwiches every day, carry around a bottle of pure apple vinegar, listen to red hot chilli peppers and tori amos all day. i really ought to stop, stressed or not, hate this word or not, excuses or not, rasberry esprit or not. exhaustible birds-nest not in-a-can . a neu brand of insanity Thursday, September 18, 2003 ( 9/18/2003 08:45:00 AM ) elle's i am too twisted, for you. and im sorry. a neu brand of insanity ( 9/18/2003 08:39:00 AM ) elle's im not the sort of person to ask, i just never do and i dont know why, if i did i suppose you'd find it strange, too, perhaps i dont ever see the need because i wont ever allow myself to turn into one of those people who i talk about, my mind associates everything so much so that i couldnt listen to my favourite song if it were tainted like that. coz i know i'll survive if i i let you fade away, survive, probably sulk, probably let everything get to me, probably break myself down. but survive. and survival is king. i wasnt trying to be vicious, last now, the pause before she spoke made me imagine she'd never say that about someone else and mean it. i make generic comments like those, they're never like they take them so personally. i put everything into a form that can be beautiful, illogical, and i betray you in my portrayal. though i dont have to believe in it, andi usually dont, in my waking hours. you can't seem to forget me, clinging on to this memory, the association with her. and sometimes i wonder if it's two way, the way i dont delete your number off my phone and your name off my msn list, just because it gives me this ludicriuos security, of having one of you around. she is so beautiful, just by breathing. and i try to guess, whether its real or fake, something i've done before. i only make sense now. i could get so so lost in the sound. a neu brand of insanity ( 9/18/2003 08:12:00 AM ) elle's a kid came showed up in my garden today, a Real Live (seven-year-old) Casanova. tall for a kid his age, wide eyed bright skinned, and da told me to occupy him while he talked to the father. he pushed me on the swing, moved stuff i knocked into out of the way, the most gallant seven year old i've ever seen, and the most obsessed with me that it's nothing short of amusing. he requested for me to escort him back to his house (about twenty of my steps, thirty of his away), invited me in to the shock of his mother who sat by the step waiting for the men of the house to come home. he offered me everything, a drink, a seat, wine; showed me his toys and his pictures, his mother and i exchanged amused glances where he couldnt see them. he would tell me about his multitude of girlfriends, showing off to me as kids do, i sat on the couch with him and talked as he talked, as his mother (on his orders) bustled around to find things of his to amuse me, turning my phone over and over in my hands and praying that it would ring, or something, to get me out of there. he'd wanted to walk me back to his house but for objections from his parents, of who would send him back (since he's not allowed to cross that 3m road between our houses by himself)? i was with that kid for, an hour? and all evening i've been amused by the nature of seven year old obsessions. the world sucks, and i will have no part of it. i will sit here in my happy little corner and laugh at you all tottering around trying to make sense of it. im happy, that's all i need, my reality. how luckier off than me are you, with your flashy cars and your money, and your paranoia, and your hyperjealousies, your reality that makes you cry. i'd rather befriend reality, have a drink or two with it, comfortable, as long as im happy, as long as im contented. maybe you'll never know what im talking about, huh? -wednesday, august 20th 2003 and a little knowledge is a dangerous thing, and, even in accordance to your theory, what is knowledge (root word, "know", something you've been throwing at me all night) anyway? how cold is the comfort of your "knowledge" in a time of emotion, in your mind do you see a distinction between "knowledge" and "wisdom"? and at the end of the day, we can deny it but we're human, inside and out, this language is human-coined, these terms dont mean a thing to the world outside of us, at the end of the day, doubt itself is also doubtable, everything is artificial because our senses are artificial, at the end of the day, if you really want to "know" something (and what's "know" to the world before us, anyway?), you ought to just sit tight and shut up, or sign yourself into a mental assylum, because in all honesty, its a growing trend isnt it, all that logic will drive you insane. choose, my dear, what you will. but at the end of the day, nobody save for the ignorant is stupid (which is probably why they include these things in syllabes, anyway), and the sooner you realize that, the better. a neu brand of insanity Monday, September 15, 2003 ( 9/15/2003 08:52:00 AM ) elle's i love joey, oh yes, cute and bubbly, eeks. heeh. cute is still a retarded word, and i miss those sec one days :( random mildy funny from the ickle acsian, as he refers to himself. while you're not really alone, and you dont have to be, i guess everyone goes through times like that, tries to hide it, tries to cure it, clutches at straws. i remember feeling little, lost. i would like your honesty, in exchange for mine. how long will you still want me to want you? a neu brand of insanity Sunday, September 14, 2003 ( 9/14/2003 08:26:00 AM ) elle's and yes i remember louis, and jackie. and for some reason, maybe because he wasnt as bubbly-nice, i liked jackie more. i wanna work coffee bean. a neu brand of insanity ( 9/14/2003 08:25:00 AM ) elle's Mon Feb 17, 10:22:37 PM | ella . | you know i half wish it were exam period again? so that i could just bury myself in books and studystudystudy all day like last year that kinda thing go esplanade sit there all day mugmugmugmugmug then go out and sit by the water. leaves no space for thought you know? which doesnt have to be a bad thing. and right now i wonder what the hell it was that i was thinking. maybe the esplanade was beautiful, and i liked it, forgave it, as i seem to all things beautiful. i am going to be mind-bogglingly guai for the next three weeks. the kinda guai that will make gail and xinyi call me crazy, the kinda guai that means i dont know anybody anymore, guai enough to maybe stop talking to weicong until after finals. i talk to the sec fours and i really want to run down the streets screaming. Plug My Head Up With Something, Please. does anybody want to go crazy with me? i really intend to, this time. when i screamed over the phone into ding's ear last now he took it rather well. said he might not talk to me until after my finals, he doesnt seem to give shits about his own. so what are you going to do to relieve this erm stress? IdontKNOWmyDEARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. three weeks to go and im going in-sane. i will probably snap at people, a lot. sleepy kfc and christl. i want to watch once upon a time in mexico, because antonio-wads-his-face is in it, and right now i could sure use some serious gun toting action. why the ring, the symbolism of it all doesnt exactly make it intarnishable. i have a ring in the only drawer of my room that i bother to lock, and it still looks as new as it did the day i got it. but when i stumbled upon julian's ring a few weeks back at the bottom of my bed, literal years younger than the one in my drawer, it was dusty, tarnished, and not completely round, anymore. everything's going to be like that, my dear, nature doesnt really care about your feelings. at the end of the day i know you dont really trust us enough to be completely honest, and i guess i can be okay with that.  Wind The Force of Nature Quiz brought to you by Quizilla  Burn baby Burn... You enjoy setting things on fire, watching things turn to ash, somehow soothes you...Once could safely call you a pyromaniac how do you deal with your emotions? brought to you by Quizilla fire is beautiful but that's it. i shall run a few hundred rounds tomorrow, and piss my juniors off the day after. he tells me to sleep, dearie i wonder if you know how much stress you're giving me. i hate the word stress. on usual days nothing stresses me, on days like today everything does. i really dont want to have to think about you now, especially now, though honestly even on Everydays i wouldnt like to think of what you ask of me. i wonder how objective i am, on days like this. well you are beautiful, though. a neu brand of insanity Saturday, September 13, 2003 ( 9/13/2003 09:49:00 AM ) elle's cong called me special today, i have a hyphen in my name. :) daddy is home, and i've missed him. and he gave me things that he sees in me, an art book, a blue cross pendant, a silk penchant with an artsy logo. and when people give you things to show they care i know it's supposed to be less real than what it could be, but i always get the feeling that this is the only way my daddy knows how to care for me, because im so sharp tongued and just like him, really. the same reason i dont pen corny letters, the same way i can only bring myself to let him know i miss him when it's over the phone. i liked the feel of the empty stage behind the curtains, with the soft glow of the lights and the muffled buzz of the crowd. i did a few cartwheels across the stage, surprised that i still remember how, before sheueying chased me back off into the wings. they told buaya stories about gareth today, i told him he asks for it. and i think the people who enjoyed chv the most were the people performing, it was fun being backstage, ding asks me why i seem to make it a point to approach everything with a bad attitude, i tell him this is something i've done since i was young, just because everytime i look forward to something it WILL come out like shit, and everytime i dread an event i'll have the time of my life. murphy's law, or my storyteller fate, or reverse psychology, i dont even care anymore, it works for me and im happy. lois said my playing is really good, but i know people are just obliged to say that when they happen to be around when i play. i've fallen in love with the audi grandpiano, when my piano rings like that ma tells me that it needs to be tuned again, i always get mad and ask her what does she know? i always wonder what lois is thinking, just coz of the way she is. as well as when she broke down in class and i comforted her with shaoning in the toilet, i know what its like to feel like that. and she gives me the feeling she feels it all the time, even if she's not thinking about it. it radiates from her pores like warmth, like scent. she cringes like she betrays herself in agreeing with me, i know she does it because she doesnt want a conflict. and i wonder if people can see it too, if she can see it, knows that it's there. sometimes the vibes dont mean a thing. gareth asked for it, still asks for it. stupid little boys, please go marry the juniors. ok well vanessa told me we're not all like that, and i believed her, coz she's nice, she sings along to time after time with me and she gets to wear them funky earphones :) 
Which Pirates of the Caribbean character are you? this rocked and i want to watch it again :D You're a PANTSER! A pantser writes without forethought to where the plot is going--sort of by the seat of her pants method. Youre a free spirited, creative person. You write with passion about what inspires you at the moment, and you probably have a strong voice. Dont worry about writers block--youve a different story. Youve got more story seeds than a hive has bees. When you write, its in disjointed segments. You may write sequentially or in flashes of inspiration, where you connect all your flashes later. People might say you ramble a bit in your work. Your revision process might take several passes, because you really have to whip that first draft into a more marketable shape. Youre novels either hit it big or miss. Theres no in between. Readers either love you, or hate you. Learn to channel that creative energy into a masterpiece and well be seeing your name on the NYT Lists! Find Your Writing Personality!! brought to you by Quizilla i read the virgin suicides again, and thought about how gab said my prose sounded like jeffrey euginides. if you talk to me for the first time in an hour's block, you'll realize that i dont give a shit about much. i realise that people like you, people like Alot Of You, have no idea what it's like to look at issues from someone else's point of view. and i dont know how to explain this to you. cheers, yinkae. at least you had a bear, at least i had a darkness to hide in. at the end of the day, we're all the same people. i love that song. a neu brand of insanity ( 9/13/2003 08:37:00 AM ) elle's id like that alot. drive away from here, the wind on my face, old cheryl crow on the radio. maybe i'll drag a few, maybe i wont. maybe you'll have a face and a name, and id wrap my arms around you and let you whisk me away into the night, the cool, glorious night, away from these crowds and painted on smiles, somewhere i could breathe might be nice. a convertible, a motorcycle, you're not my knight in shining armour,- what were you, anyway? maybe that was you, on the radio, and you could reach me even at high speeds. you didnt really need a face and a name, you could just... live for me, or something. you dont even have to live, you could be the lighter in my back pocket, a skuff on my shoe, the tangles in my hair. i dont care, get me out of here. i know you wanted to, i know you cared. you could have, you know, i would have let you. a neu brand of insanity Friday, September 12, 2003 ( 9/12/2003 09:45:00 AM ) elle's carolyn the junior said that if i hadnt talked to her today she would have thought i was "very dao". i think i am, very dao, anyway, not meaning to, but that's my nature, whatever. she likes my playing, i am mildly flattered, i miss the ring of my piano. i did two cartwheels across the empty stage, we sang along to time after time behind the curtain, we all love that song. and i liked those few moments of chv, doing props with the crew, untagling wire and cutting the teardrops, tying the mosquito net with uncle jack, playing the grand piano, skipping their dinner. nic gave me a red rose, i twirled it on my lap on the way home, the swing creaked because it was uneven. i dont hate you, i really dont, i just want to slap you every time you act like that. i watched the gep juniors at it again, it didnt bother me, i didnt care. she asked me what i wanted again, today. asked me if id figured it out yet. she sat opposite me on the bus, looked straight into my eyes. its hard to avoid that kind of gaze. i cant waste you, anymore. she says im paranoid, i smile and tell her she's right. but so? so? not as if knowing it makes it go away, my dear. maybe just not this time. can you tell if i care, really? coz im just so so good at this. even now, when i dont, i wonder if it sounds any different to you. sam told julian i wished him a happy birthday. oohdear. hello you, havent talked to you for eons, that birthday wish wasnt exactly for you, but yeah, anyway. when i asked him his birthday and he told me 13th september i remember wanting to die. i was with him and marian on the train that day, the day he cried and i cried and blahblahblah. something you remembered forever. and i'd really wanted to die, do you believe in fate? that was the day i decided that someone must have decided to to have a laugh at my expense, to spin my life into a ironic storybook. i should be anotating, highlighting, marking out recurrent themes and motifs and symbols. im not what choo calls a themitizer, like aileen, good as she is she does that alot. im a classic romantic in the sense of the word, not in the opposite of platonic, everything that i want to be bohemian. and sometimes i wonder where this whole fate thing is, who i should go to if i feel like sticking a middle finger in someone's face. some days i do that, walk under a clear blue sky, then throw my head back and laugh like insane. im not insane, when i do those things. im just laughing at you, laughing at me. betray myself, trick myself, then it's like a glitch in the system, classic deja vu, do these coincidences get any better? i suppose i just have too particular a memory. a neu brand of insanity Thursday, September 11, 2003 ( 9/11/2003 08:17:00 AM ) elle's  You're a Diamond. You seem like a cold and an unreachable person outside, yet you are beautiful inside and outside. You may be stubborn at times. You act with grace and elegance and you are a precious asset to all your friends. What Jewel Are You? brought to you by Quizilla i broke the bar they were supposed to use for tomorrow's performance and ms lee wants to kill me. i shopped like insane. i am fond of cong's voice, awfully. the way he sounds exactly like he did two years ago. how's he's taller than me now, but still that stupid kid. i could hear his friends laughing in the background. i have a pint of bailey's irish ice cream. i laughed at a skirt that is worth $30 at and overpriced boutique i know, which had a pricetag that read $59.90. retail therapy, woohoo. :) i am not doing enough work. last year when kuo told us a month wouldnt be enough to study i didnt believe him, and i got so shitted. mad laughing fits with sam the at coffee bean the night before science final, realizing we didnt understand a shit thing, derek rushing over trying to teach us, trying to calm us down. tomorrow is Boring Day, i am sorry i dont care enough about chv. Saturday is Packed Like Hell Day. i love shaoning, i am playing for yw on sunday. I Am Shitted. I Have Not Studied. ding says whenever i start talking like that it's a sign that im going into neurotic mode again. kevin should complain. and happy birthday, for tomorrow. you evoke a lot of inexplicable and conflicting emotions in me. but happy birthday anyway. everybody's gotta have a birthday. i recommend retail therapy. not that it takes away your problems, but well, endorphins. what an inane activity. a neu brand of insanity Wednesday, September 10, 2003 ( 9/10/2003 10:23:00 AM ) elle's i like che, from evita. that's the only thing i can do with history, really, twist it, give it a slant, turn it into literature, satire, mocking how stupid human beings are, just coz i really think so. people manipulating people, people brainwashing people, people pulling these things off so smoothly that only those who view it from the future realize that anything went on at all. and i really wish i could do filmatography. every crp/erp i itch to do the question about adapting books into film and soundtracks, but i'm always too lazy. i liked adaptation a lot.
you know i thought i was getting better? and i badly want to watch pirates of the carribean. i feel so deflated. dear you. hi. im sorry. for everything. yep. can you tell me what to say from here? actually from there, back there, right from the dear, was that appropriate? i suppose you're smart, i suppose i'm elitist. i have alot of suppositions. dont you know me by now, dont you know me at all? im obsessed with beauty, can you tell? not physical beauty, beauty beauty, i know a lot of people who cant make that distinction. hi, my dear, i read poetry for fun. im selfish and absurd, but i like playgrounds in the dead of the night. you sweat buckets and im not going to ask. on good days i wonder what the hell it is to you what im thinking. what i think. about you. about this. i've been the "oldest friend" to alot of people, i wonder what you're up to. she scribbled her number onto a paper and i let it blow out of the window. it was really a mistake, but then i could have tried harder to stop it. dont say words you're gonna regret, you know? coz im good at hiding it, and that probably just makes it hurt worse, longer, harder, for me. well at least i know i was right about you, like i know in the end im right about alot of things, but it doesnt stop it from hurting. have you ever heard of cold comfort, pork chops? i am upset, by things like these, i need a good book or a bullet. i know you'll never understand what im talking about, and im contemptuous of you for that, never mind that you have perfect days. you're too happy for me, and your entire existance has become trivial when i look down the lines. do you have any idea what its like, to be like this? to take your worst day, and multiply it by seven times a week, four and a half weeks every month, three hundred and sixty five days in a year. i feel so deflated, and betrayed by myself, i have to stop hoping, so dont put me down for being a downer i've had pins stuck into me ever since i can remember. i can sleep to dream. a neu brand of insanity Tuesday, September 09, 2003 ( 9/09/2003 09:55:00 AM ) elle's cong is sweet and sour. trips on himself trying to be nice. a neu brand of insanity ( 9/09/2003 08:42:00 AM ) elle's i just realized where the scar that borders on my mac's scar comes from, of all the scars to not have healed. there's something so awful sharp about the hangovers. and i would like to apologize to everyone who i pissed off today, by snapping or by glaring, blaming it on something in my blood that i have no name for. except mike, of course, because you hit my piano, and it didnt matter how hard you hit me but you hit my piano and i wanted to pick something up and swing it at you very very hard. instead i crawled out onto the porch and cried till i hicupped. i hate how you think i cant feel, like what, like it was only you? do what you want to do, let somebody else do damage control, i guess i know it doesnt really matter to you. and you wonder why you're screwed up.  My inner child is ten years old!
Monday, September 08, 2003 ( 9/08/2003 09:04:00 AM ) elle's a stranger gave me a hug and told me to please be okay. dont let yourself go, coz everybody cries; everybody hurts sometimes. i told the stranger all my secret fears and beliefs, how i think i cry too much. how happy i was, how im hoping this is just pms. i chose between the curtain and the star, i know too well how you'd never have guessed. stranger you just keep getting better every day. a neu brand of insanity ( 9/08/2003 08:09:00 AM ) elle's i want cong to come online, so i can whine and cry about how friends is ending. i really feel like crying. or kevin, coz i know he'll humour me. ma i held that grudge against you all day, and im not sorry yet. in fact maybe i help it against you since sunday, when you gave me the money and i wouldnt look at you, i know you could feel the disdain. ie called during dinner and told me not to leave you alone anymore, how i ought to stay at home and take care of you, be with you, i know it scares you to be alone in the house. ma i dont know how long you stood there painstakingly doing these things for me, i know you can tell im still mad at you. im disgusted at you, and this takes the longest time for me to forgive. how can you be such a hypocrite, how does knowing it make it okay, you can justify it any way you want. one day i'll lose you ma, to age and time in death and distance, but ma you'll lose me first, do you know that? i can feel your pain to know im right here by your side yet so far away, i wont even look you in the eye anymore, i dont even acknowledge the things you do for me. im disgusted ma, i cant believe this is what you teach me. do as i say, not as i do, every time you do this it bothers me, do you know how much you affect me? when i feel so trapped by the you in my blood, i try to justify what you do to myself, i want da to come back and make it seem okay. how you protect him, it seems so noble, i try to forget my reasons for being angry. but how do i forget disgust, ma? im not just making noise for the sake of making noise, i want you to realize that im more like your husband than like you. i dont say things i dont mean, ma you were right those years ago when you said i would have a problem learning to be a person, but you were also right when you said that i was too darn smart for my own good. but reasons arent excuses ma, i want you to know that my pride isnt enough to keep this up. i just cant look at you, do you know that? can i learn to be more forgiving, ma? i have high expectations of everyone i know, higher expectations of myself. and i dont want to forgive you ma, i dont want to dilute these things which i cling on to. he asked me why i was crying now, over what? nothing, really, i dont even know myself. i had a great day didnt i. you always call me when im crying, like you can read my mind. people stared at me, coz my eyes filled with tears when you said those things, then i closed my eyes and they spilled over and i couldnt breathe listening to the silence over the line. on good days you'll ask me are all girls like that? he asks the time of the month question in such a small timid voice it makes me laugh out loud even when my eyes are raining and giggle the rest of the journey home. so i think of you when im listening to all these sad songs, bloody raging hormones. but thanks my dear, for always making the first move. about the said good day, hung out with teamates again. xinyi's pool, getting stuffed at some restaurant, everyone rushing home to catch friends. i didnt make it, christl taped it for me. i wish i could put that mood into a bottle and carry it along with me around my neck. i havent listened listened to garbage for an awful long time. a neu brand of insanity ( 9/08/2003 08:09:00 AM ) elle's my lover's charms, are in a box beneath my bed and piece by piece i'll cherish them until the end send me an angel to love need to feel a little piece of heaven send me an angel to love im afraid i'll never get to heaven a neu brand of insanity Sunday, September 07, 2003 ( 9/07/2003 11:59:00 AM ) elle's you've got one of those faces. you sit there on the couch next to him and you look so pissed. you have a pissed-face. sulky face. he sits there looking all goofy and talks with ken about lamer stuff, you sit there and stone like i honestly never thought possible. why on earth do you always look so pissed? but you're nice enough i know, when i ask you for help, when you're telling me things, when you're talking with him. you have a nice smile. you always look like a kid with candy when you smile, maybe its so endearing just coz its such a stark contrast from the sulky-faced you. cong sounds pissed again, but i know you never last. i cant remember ever having said sorry to you in my life. as much as i like history and stuff like that i'll never be able to do it as something to believe in. there's just too much politics, everywhere, even when you think you're able to see through it you're just being deceived just like the rest. and i hate politics. i love christl's pool, and happy birthday teamates, and i love the neoprints we took today, and it's been a long time since i've reached home in these hours, i am dead for tomorrow's mock. used up a roll of film :) he tells me he wants to hold my hand, keeps a picture of me on his wall. uses everything i have against me, beats me in chess eight times in a row. he gets his fingers squashed in the lift and its always my fault. the kind of person who calls me at four am to talk about life, i roll over to answer the phone and i've come to the conclusion that you're a little insane. i lost the picture i took with you, how cute it looked. you just dont make sense, but you give me your lopsided smile and it doesnt matter anymore. i know this is just playtime, posterboy, lipshade. someday i will beat you at this game. i try not to think of it. getting angry at you for being you, then being unella, doing things like this. the distance i know i will never be completely okay with, 7.9.03. a neu brand of insanity Saturday, September 06, 2003 ( 9/06/2003 09:11:00 AM ) elle's and i wanna buy a fish from thompson plaza. nizam walked around the display with me, told me all about the fish and how he's been keeping them since forever, offered to bring me to the fish shop near his house next week on his off day. i wish i we was free then, i want a fish like those. so awful pretty, like my anorexic fighting fish. they're so sweet. and i look out at a sandbluesky and think of how beautiful it is even when you look so torrid. and i see all there is to it, the ugliness i bear even when im with you, in you. sitting in their car, they're just so sweet im sad at the fondness. i've missed tao zhe, i've missed melody i missed the last year feel. well not miss, exactly, but i remember it oh so well. when i studied with michfong actually studied for the first time in my life, played those songs over and over again, let myself be distracted by them in my mind during the papers themselves, then quit cold turkey for reasons i cant remember. and i felt that hole in my heart, that deep off feeling that you get with these things, i haven't felt that feeling in a long long time. didnt know i missed it, didnt know i cared. a neu brand of insanity ( 9/06/2003 09:11:00 AM ) elle's chel wants to know why i like dorian gray in lxg is it because his answer to what are you? was im complicated. she said id liked the way he said it, right? the whole not being proud of it but proud at the same time. and i hadnt thought of that, i was more likened to the whole thing about self-interest, practical, cold, detached. im sorry but i wont pretend im not self-interested, because at the end of the day everybody is. my brother has some problem, some thing, with jumping. he stacks things up in the corridor and jumps over them, stacks these things higher and higher, one day he'll really be able to jump over me and that's scary. he films it on my mom's clie, This Is My Brother's Butt Airbourne. i suppose every gold medalist is allowed obsessions. come talk to me, my dear, ask my advice on things that matter to you. i'll just tell you exactly what you dont want to hear. a neu brand of insanity Friday, September 05, 2003 ( 9/05/2003 08:07:00 AM ) elle's every day i think about it and come to the conclusion that people are stupid. a neu brand of insanity ( 9/05/2003 08:04:00 AM ) elle's i can do the t-stop on my blades :) jappo instructor thought i was super pathetic at first coz i took ten minutes to wear all the gear hehehehe. so glad i went, at the end of it all, i want to blade more than this. you are the Perfect Typical Girl. and i would slit my wrists before i become like you. i saw faces in the sidewalk today. a neu brand of insanity Thursday, September 04, 2003 ( 9/04/2003 09:15:00 AM ) elle's daddy i miss you and hope you'll come home soon. you're so far away, you call on the phone, you ask me how i am, you sound so tired, i wanted to ask you how you were, but what would you tell me da? daddy please come home soon, will you? you sound like you want to, anyway. ma misses you, no one really takes care of her when you're gone. and who's taking care of you da? cooking you birdsnest in the middle of the night, feeding you juices and pills, soothing your insecurities i know that's what it is for you, at fifty-two. can you stop flying all over the place, da? coz i never realized it before, but im scared of losing you too. and i just dont like the idea of you being so far away and alone. a neu brand of insanity ( 9/04/2003 09:06:00 AM ) elle's i dont want to close my eyes and go back to that world. help, i am so afraid, i thought about my queer dream again, i picked it apart and found sense to it, i'm still afraid of what i was of in that dream, im scared to go to sleep tonight. the more i analyse my dream and pick it apart, the more it makes morbid disturbing sense and the more i discover how real my fears were, the more im afraid of them, the more im afraid to sleep in the dark anymore. that jolt between consciousnes, trying to rouse myself knowing im going to have a nightmare, trying and failing, sinking into a night of such a powerful subconscious, my conscious mind can't take all the skeletons that have been revealed. on hysteria's level, i can't even not think about it, it's like being attacked by your own fears, attacked like they were outsiders, with gain from your demise, i've never felt so helpless even after waking up before. sometimes when these things happen i think about wanting to learn how to lucid dream, but at least when i freak out in the night my subconscious gets to say things to me, i cant rememer who told me that you shouldnt cut it off? when i get to find names for all the things that scare me, things i've never known i've known, the subconscious is such a hazy lagoon. and i really wish i'd done my irs seriously in sec one a neu brand of insanity ( 9/04/2003 08:23:00 AM ) elle's got tickets for xiangzuozhuanxiangyouzhuan, heeheehee half a billion people wanna kill me right now i think that's the most fun in it. :D. so fun heh it was just fun enouh to go and chourenao even, when these huge things happen near our school, everyone running out across the court and the insane jams on the bridge, the silly idea of guys and girls walking past in the queue. gab dressed up as an acs guy and it was soooooooooooooooohilaaaaarioussssssssss even though she didnt get the ticket. wish i'd brought my camera to catch her in those stupid shorts that kept falling off, the elongated butt, i laughed till i cried and my stomach hurt and everytime i stopped i looked at deb wiping her eyes and id start laughing again. then there was when she was standing in the middle of the bunch of (real) hcjc guys, wearing ms fong's girly longs, im gonna be up laughing alll nite. i haven't laughed so hard for ages, and damn it feels good :) nice man on the bus gave me his seat. jiayee sweetly offered her mom to send me home with all my barang, i think i perfected my pathetic look. kevin has the incredibly astute memory pertaining to things he claims i've said in the past, he says he takes me too seriously. he says im nicer this year, heeheehee. seems like every time i talk to joyce, i only tell her things she doesnt want to hear. a neu brand of insanity Wednesday, September 03, 2003 ( 9/03/2003 10:59:00 AM ) elle's jo is beautiful. jaryl or no jaryl. burning or not, i've never thought she was more beautiful then the night she burnt the ring or her stomach. morbid and creepy, but her eyes glowed in the light, you know how fire is at night. she looked so placid in that orangey glow, so dispossessed, i watched her half drunk, like she was almost one of those pretty girls. even in daylight people say she could be a Pretty Girl, if she dressed more typical and combed her hair more. smiled more, i think she smiles enough for me. they dont realize that these things are deliberate with her, that she hated when they say these things. but she was the most beautiful on those nights with jaryl, why did you always look so untouchable, so lost in a world of your own, jaryl was the only one who spoke to you at those times. they say you're happier now than those times, though. got a steadier job, wanting to start school again. i remember how you cried once about dropping out, how your parents didnt care enough to stop you. they say you're studying for o's, to get a cert, get somewhere. uni, your looking good they say. isn't that all there is to this anymore? im happy for you, you know, coz i know it'd matter to you, where some other people could accept working these menial jobs all their lives. have you changed at all, jo? i have, kinda, but im still that vulnerable piece of shit you used to tag along to. you used to talk me up, does tara still do that for you? it's like a line of sisterhood, but all these people i havent thought about for so long. gi, tara, min, lisha. remember how i told you guys once that my father almost named me georgia, or georgina, how i would have the same name as gi? the silly song i was almost named after, instead of a beatles song, eleanor rigby with lyrics that threaten to spell my fate. do you know how afraid i still am of my own name, ella instead of elle, the so many people who dont know who is eleanor. remember how self-obsessed we were, really? me most of all, just because nora disappeared and left me at the end of the line. so jejune, but not. do you have a new boyfriend jo, have you talked to jaryl, lately? i havent talked to him for ages too, is he still the only one who could get through to you? i love being single, do you still feel like you're lying when you say that? do you still twirl the telephone cord around your toes when you're talking on the phone? chew your food only on the left side of your mouth, religiously drink a cup of coffee and then a cup or oj with salf every morning? have you scars healed, jo, after so long of promising not to cut yourself? i know you stopped along time ago, even before me, what about those stubborn ones on your palms that never seemed to want to fade? i remember how you told me not to cut myself even though you did, coz you didnt understand why you did it but you knew it wasnt good anyway. and the word healthy was never in my dictionary before. does it still bother you when people ask for your number? the people who couldnt even understand themselves what they saw in you. do you know that you're beautiful, in your calmness and darling smiles, more than you're pretty like everybody says? i haven't seen you for a long time, jo. a neu brand of insanity ( 9/03/2003 10:04:00 AM ) elle's clarence came to talk to me for once in a long time, reminding me how things never seem to change with people like you. i hate it when people play mind games with me. i can see thru you dearie. and i honestly in all honesty have better things to do with my time. joke me flip a coin, zed. wishin you could make me less sick. and i look at it all and i know im not satisfied, i just wouldnt be, with an existence like that. what kind of days are those like? i wanna head places, be somewhere, away from rot and decay, age and time and all things irreversible. one way paths. is that what everyone is chasing, at the end of the day? or most, at least, those that dont get too happy, too obsessed, too distracted. is that why i study? to not get left somewhere, seems like the further you go down the line the more ridiculous the existences get. how do i make it to zero gravity? running away from life i tell myself not to want everything. i wish i'd talked more to michelle, i just want to know what its like to be so different while at the same time still there. it's like standing next to something beautiful and being torn apart by impulses and want, wanting to absorb it into and take it home with you, or wanting to fade into its colours and become part of the scenery. to be part of something beautiful. and you tell me you cant find yourself anymore that way. www.colorquiz.com The existing situation contains critical or dangerous elements for which it is imperative that some solution be found. This may lead to sudden, even reckless, decisions. Self-willed and rejects any advice from others. (Your Stress Sources:) Feels that life has far more to offer and that there are still important things to be achieved--that life must be experienced to the fullest. As a result, she pursues her objectives with a fierce intensity that will not let go of things. Becomes deeply involved and runs the risk of being unable to view things with sufficient objectivity, or calmly enough; is therefore in danger of becoming agitated and of exhausting her nervous energy. Cannot leave things alone and feels she can only be at peace when she has finally reached her goal. (Your Restrained Characteristics:) Believes that she is not receiving her share--that she is neither properly understood or adequately appreciated. Feels that she is being compelled to conform, and close relationships leave her without any sense of emotional involvement. Egocentric and therefore quick to take offense. Sensitive and sentimental, but conceals this from all except those very close to him. Able to achieve satisfaction through sexual activity. ( Your Desired Objective :) Intense, vital, and animated, taking a delight in action. Activity is directed towards success or conquest and there is a desire to live life to the fullest. (Your Actual Problem :) The fear that she might be prevented from achieving the things she wants leads her to play her part with an urgent and hectic intensity. baby you're never there. at least dont trivialise me, at least try, remember how you said we were similar when we do that? anyway it doesnt matter, cheers :) a neu brand of insanity Tuesday, September 02, 2003 ( 9/02/2003 08:40:00 AM ) elle's joshua is adorable heeheehee. amuses himself and everybody else with a game controller not plugged in while mike plays with seriously ugly monsters on ffx. he crawls around on my lap and tries to take pictures with my camera, calls me ahno, or ahnonononono, like some afghan terrorist or something. heheehehhh stupid kid. kevin inadvertly talks in riddles and i just watch the big words flowing down my screen. im not believing in socialism, by the way, what a pretty picture it paints for some, how the world will never be like that. anarchist at heart, apathist over all. meiyin drove me craaaaaaaazy today. my most ridiculous junior, hiakhiakhiak. of course it's myyyy fault for making her laugh, yaddayaddayadda, cant stannnnd it so full of bs. and i yelled at jiayee on the tram coz she wouldnt concentrate, i know the floor people were wondering what the heck was up, xinyi said she's glad im not her senior, i think the only person who takes my yelling remotely well is renyi, coz i know she thinks really hard about her tao. yeah well its a big waste of time when they go up there and piss around even though i laugh like crap with them off the tram it just gets to me when i know the only thing standing in their way of doing the one movement is actual effort. jiayee gave her scared baby face but she did it and im happy enough. a neu brand of insanity Monday, September 01, 2003 ( 9/01/2003 09:12:00 AM ) elle's so so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell blue skies from pain. can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail? a smile from a veil? do you think you can tell? and did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts? hot ashes for trees? hot air for a cool breeze? cold comfort for change? and did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage? how i wish-- how i wish you were here. we're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year running over the same old ground what have you found? the same old fears wish you were here. a neu brand of insanity ( 9/01/2003 09:12:00 AM ) elle's i wonder if you can better this, estranged. not Beautiful, but enough. the glass prison, things that shouldnt remind me, jo said hi again today. somebody asked me if i was okay, somebody asked me whether i was a guy or a girl. hospitals still bother me. friends is ending for good and i wanna cry, coz its the only 30 minutes of tv i watch every week. feel silly, i love joey.  You are "Welcome to the Caribbean, love." You're more than a little world-weary, but also intelligent and you keep your head when things get dodgy. You're everybody's favorite drinking buddy, but your stubbornness does get in the way sometimes. Which one of Captain Jack Sparrow's bizarre sayings from Pirates of the Caribbean are you? brought to you by Quizilla and hello, again. i went to your site because i dreamt of him again last night, every time i feel i could get more obsessed over something else he'll come back to haunt and claim his ownership of me like this, convince me to sell my soul to him all over again. i thought of you again, coz of how you were so omnipotent in my dream. you could read my mind then. and i always wonder what would happen if i could talk to you now, always wish i had that chance, just to find out whether you're special or just like everyone else. just another pretty boy. realize that now, after talking to maria, would you really live up to my memory of you? coz you're a person too, i know you were different then, but has anything changed? have you found a place to fit in, become more typical, less special, less of a loner? and its nothing much, really, sadness waiting to happen. my letters have jagged edges. a neu brand of insanity |
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